It was the year 2357, and the dead did not stay dead: they kept resurrecting, again and again and again.

 

Such was the case with M. Horace Bream, who suffered a fatal cerebral hemorrhage but was brought back to life several hours later.

 

Following his awakening, a presumably delusional Bream reported that he had gone to heaven and encountered Jesus Himself.

 

Following Bream’s Christ-like resurrection – due entirely to highly advanced medical technology - Bream died again. His wife and children wrote an obituary:

 

M. Horace Bream passed away peacefully on September 29, 2357, at the age of 171. He was a devoted father and husband who will be missed by all who knew him. He is survived by his wife, S. Margaret Apple, and his children, Scott and James Bream. Donations may be made in his honor to the International Christian Federation, 101 Pear-tree Boulevard, Sydney, Australia.

 

Then Bream woke up again. To the shock of his caretakers, he reported that this time he had not seen Jesus: he had seen the Buddha. Bream and Siddhartha were floating on a golden cloud in what Bream said was nirvana, of sorts. Following his description of nirvana, Bream unceremoniously died again. His wife and children wrote a new obituary:

 

M. Horace Bream passed away peacefully on September 29, 2357, at the age of 171. He was a devoted father and husband who will be missed by all who knew him. He is survived by his wife, S. Margaret Apple, and his children, Scott and James Bream. Donations may be made in his honor to His Holiness The Dalai Lama, or the Interdenominational Buddhist Faith Center, Janakpur, Nepal.

 

Then Bream woke up again. This time he reported that he had observed the Jewish God, but that Jesus was not present.

 

“He’s hallucinating”, one of the nurses said.

 

“No, I’m not”, Bream replied. “All of these gods exist, but they’re in different places. Sometimes when I die I go to one place, sometimes another”.

 

“You ought to join the Baha’i Faith”, the nurse remarked snidely.

 

Nonetheless, his family updated the obituary:

 

M. Horace Bream passed away peacefully on September 29, 2357, at the age of 171. He was a devoted father and husband who will be missed by all who knew him. He is survived by his wife, S. Margaret Apple, and his children, Scott and James Bream. Donations may be made in his honor to the Jewish Community Center (International Federation of Jewish Community Centers).

 

Inevitably, Bream died again. This time when he died, Shiva was waiting for him. “There were millions of gods”, Bream reported after he woke up. “No, I think there were actually billions of gods. The Hindu theologians obviously weren’t aware of all of the gods, perhaps because they hadn’t seen them in person, as I did”. The updated obituary read:

 

M. Horace Bream passed away peacefully on September 29, 2357, at the age of 171. He was a devoted father and husband who will be missed by all who knew him. He is survived by his wife, S. Margaret Apple, and his children, Scott and James Bream. Donations may be made in his honor to the Krishna Consciousness Center, 3 Bhagavad-Gita Place, India.

 

Bream died again. The nurses were at this point tired of resurrecting him, and his family was tired of writing obituaries. Alas, this time Bream went to hell, and frantically waited for a resurrection that never came.

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